It has been a few days since my last blog post about our miscarriage. Last we met, I left you all with my wife being in the hospital with clots in her uterus and receiving 2 units of blood following her first d and c procedure to remove our fallen child.
Since then, my wife had to have another d and c procedure to remove about half a liter of blood clots from the uterus. The doctor said everything came out as good as it could have and that she didn’t think my wife would have to go through a third surgery. Thank God.
We were able to go home yesterday since they wanted her to stay overnight for observation. So altogether an outpatient procedure wound up being a 3 night ordeal. We were so ready to go home and be in our own bed together. The only downside to going home after something like this is, reality sets in.
As soon as we got in the car to ride home, we had no words to say. We simply drove in silence the 1 hour ride home. It took all I had not to pull over due to my eyes filling with tears. I didn’t wipe them or blow my nose, I didn’t want my wife to see. I glanced over at her once and noticed she was tearing up some. I tried to hide mine but I’m sure she noticed. Upon arriving home and dealing with our crazy but loving dogs, we went into the bedroom and wept.
We had to pick up my two step kids from school yesterday afternoon. They had been at their dad’s for the last 5 days so they had no idea what has transpired. The questions they might asked I had thought about all weekend how to answer.
“Why did this happen?”
“Why would God do this?”
“Why is life not fair?”
“Why do bad things happen to good people?”
All valid questions that I have even asked myself. But the answers to those questions are not all known and not easy. I’ve asked myself “If God makes all life and we had faith to believe him to provide us with a child, why did our child die?”
Many people on social media and friends and family have all reached out to us and said “Well it must just not have been Gods time yet.” Or “It wasn’t Gods will that this child be born.” Or “The Lord gives and takes away.” Or “Are you going to try again? Maybe this was a sign to stop.”
I will say this, these answers are all wrong. God’s will is not that tragedy and loss happen. God’s will is not to take away life after he gives it. God’s will is not for children to die in the womb before ever being born. God’s will is not to bring sorrow and sadness so strong it brings you to your knees. God doesn’t give signs to people that include death. No, these are all wrong thinking and false doctrine.
Many people will bring up Job and all the things he went through. They will say well look at all the bad things God did to Job. I challenge you to go back and read the book of Job. God did not do anything bad to Job. The enemy, the Devil was the one who came to destroy all Job had.
You see, it isn’t God’s will that anyone die or for people to go through pain and loss. It isn’t God’s will that we had a miscarriage. It isn’t in God’s will that we be sick. It is because of sin and an imperfect world that all of these things exist. Through sin in the beginning by Adam and Eve. It is because of the fall of Man that sickness and disease entered the human DNA genome to be passed on from generation to generation. Prior to their sin, none of these things existed.
It is because of this we had a miscarriage and our precious child never got to live their story past 12 weeks in the womb. It is because of this bad things happen to good people. It is because of this, people get sick with terminally ill diseases.
So if the answer to those questions is simply “We live in a fallen world that is a result from sin”, then the question becomes “Why should we even become a Christian?” The answer is simple, Jesus Christ. Because sin entered the world through Adam, God had to make a way for sin to be cleansed and washed away. That way was Jesus. Jesus lived a perfect life free of sin, died on the cross, and was raised from the dead so that through faith in Him we can be free of sin and death.
Jesus is the answer to sin, death, sickness, disease. But it doesn’t stop at Jesus. Just like electricity is powerful, it is dormant until it has a conductor. That conductor is our faith. Faith in Christ more specifically. It is because of my faith in Jesus that I will be able to see my child again and live with them for eternity. It is because of my faith in Jesus that I will be healed from this tragedy to carry on with my life. It is because of my faith in Jesus that I am still alive today to type this.
Many would ask “How can you still believe and put your trust in God after going through this?” My answer is because of faith. My faith does not move because of circumstances. God does answer prayers just like he answered mine when I believed that we would conceive, when I believed that we would hear a heart beat, when I believed that our baby would fight.
Why did our baby die? I may never know the reason other than it could have been that my faith wasn’t strong enough like how Peter’s wasn’t strong enough when he saw the wind and the waves, he doubted. But what people fail to remember about Peter is that he did in fact walk on the water; all they remember is him sinking. Maybe I looked away from Christ for a split second and that was the reason. I have often wondered at which point I wavered and I may never know. Or maybe it was simply the result of an imperfect world. Whichever it was, I must say my faith in God right now is more focused and stronger because of this.
Some people have said/asked “Have you all thought about not trying anymore? Maybe this is a sign you should quit.” To them I say, never. It would be a dishonor to my faith in God, to our baby we just lost, to the journey we have endured, to give up. I will not let this be a defeat in which I get knocked down and out of the fight, this is simply a punch in the face that has cleared my head and allowed us to come back swinging. I will not walk or quit the race.
The Bible says:
“Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it.”
I Corinthians 9:24 NKJV
Am I sad that this happened? More than you know. Am I grieving as I write this? Absolutely. But I refuse to let my emotions define my faith in God and I refuse to let the things of life silence my voice.
I leave you with this:
““O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?” The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
I Corinthians 15:55-57 NKJV
MFoxhunter 