Grace in the Storm.

I’ve decided to write about the last 48 hours as writing seems to help me sort things out mentally. It is like defragmenting a computer in that it allows me to process all my emotions and thoughts in order to better understand everything.

My last post was about success, this post not so much. No, in fact it is tragedy and loss squared. My last post I spoke about how faith and divine intervention gave me the chance at being a father for the first time in 4 years of persevering through infertility. This post is how it was all shattered with the words “I’m sorry, I don’t see a heartbeat today.”

Two weeks had passed since my wife and I received our 3D ultrasound of our vibrant baby. They were moving around and the heart beat was considered “excellent”. We were told the chance of miscarriage after 10 weeks is less than 5%. We were sent home with a follow up appointment for 4 weeks from then. We had a baby announcement, first my wife and I had been able to do. It was beautiful.

This picture shows all of the needles and medicines we had used for the last 4 years in order to get to this point. The feeling was not worthy of being put into words.

We had started to discuss baby names for boys and girls. People had began to talk about what to get us for the baby. My mother-in-law bought baby outfits. I felt so happy. Little did I know that this would be the peak of our mountain and the rest would come crashing down…

Thursday night my wife was about to go to work and she tells me “I had some slight blood when I went to the bathroom.” I replied “Is that normal?” She had a nervous look on her face and I realized that was a dumb question, but I tried to reassure her that it was probably nothing. To ease our anxiety, I called our reproductive doc and they said that if it got any worse or she had any pain to go to the ER. I told my wife that it might be a good idea to stay home go to the ER. She opted to go to work as she didn’t consider it serious due to no real pain.

I got to work and couldn’t quit thinking about my wife and our child. I finally decided to call her and try to convince her to go to the ER. After a bit, she decided she would go due to she had some pain and the bleeding hadn’t really stopped, even though it was light. I left work and headed for the ER to be with her.

We waited anxiously in the waiting room, then finally got taken back. We sat in a cold room and waited for someone to come see us. About an hour later we were approached by the Physician Assistant student who said she would be doing our assessment and then the doc would come in afterwards. She asked us some questions and then decided to try to do an ultrasound.

They brought in a portable ultrasound that they said they use for veins, but because it was so late at night that it was the best they can do. The PA looked and showed us our baby, curled up in a fetal position. She said “I think there is the heart beating but I’m not sure”. We asked if we could hear it and she said there was no way because of the limited equipment/staff. The doc came in to see her next and she used the ultrasound machine and showed us the same image. She said she didn’t see much movement but the baby might be sleeping?

This is when I start to get mad….The PA and the doc say to us “we are going to check on some other patients, you are more than welcome to look yourself and see if you see movement.” I’m sorry, what? Me, the patients husband, use equipment I know nothing about to look for movement??? It still is unbelievable they told us this.

They finally came back and informed us there was nothing they could say or do, that we needed to follow up with the OBGYN in the morning. So we left and went home without any answers. We got home, slept for a few hours and then woke up to head to the OB office.

We waited in a crowded lobby full of other pregnant women. Some were quiet, some talking, it was a loud environment full of happy people it seemed. One girl bragged about how much MT dew she had been drinking and her mom commented “that baby is going to come out hyper”. We sat anxiously.

They called us back finally, entered the ultrasound room and my wife got on the table to have the ultrasound done. The tech was generally happy and was asking us how we were doing and we let her know how anxious we were. She then began the moments I will never forget.

She starts by looking at the baby, I could tell it was ominous the very second I saw our precious child as they were still in the same position:hands up by their head, feet tucked in, chin tucked down in a sleeping position. I knew before she even said anything that our baby was forever asleep and would not wake back up.

The tech became slightly nervous acting, she said let’s start with measuring them. She measured them and then she added a setting that shows blood flow. I watched as I saw our lifeless child having no blood flow moving at all where the heart is. Then came the words “I’m so sorry, I don’t see a heartbeat today”. My wife and I began to cry. It is hard for me to write this without crying again as the image of my lifeless child is forever burned in my head. It will carry with me for the rest of my life.

The next thing we were told after crying for a bit was our “options.” The OB doc was extremely nice, she was very sympathetic. She told us we could approach this two ways, one try to do it at home naturally (this seemed like a terrible idea being as far along as she was) and the other to have a D and C. We opted for the D and C and were sent to the hospital.

We waited all day long in agony and sorrow. Our faces hurt and burned from crying so much. They finally got her to the OR for the procedure at 9PM. They told us that due to the hospital being Catholic and valuing all life, they provide a free service where they will do a burial of the remains and provide a ceremony. We accepted this gesture and feel it will bring closure. They said they will send off some biopsy’s of our child so we can find out the gender as well as if there are any chromosomal issues. Knowing the gender we will be able to name them and that is some silver lining in all of this.

I wish I could tell you everything is fine, but the barrage still keeps coming. My wife has had some complications from all of this and is still yet in the hospital receiving blood due to having a bleed in her uterus. They don’t think it is still bleeding, but she has clots in there that need to be passed. The OB said if she doesn’t pass them tonight, surgery again in the morning.

My mind is stressed, my body fatigued, my emotions secretly kept inside. I must remain a rock for my wife, because no matter how much pain I feel, her’s is by far worse in every way possible. I feel broken being held up by strength and Gods grace.

I will never know why this happened, but I do know our baby is being held in my Savior Jesus’ arms. They are in heaven and I will see them one day. We will make it through this, for now my concern is solely with my wife and her health. Nothing at this moment matters more than her being ok.

Will update when I can.

Now I want to say “Thank you”…

I am blessed for all of the people that have reached out to me to give me thoughts and prayers. I am thankful for the men who have came openly to me with open ears to listen to me. I am thankful for the men who have admitted they have been through the same things, some of them worse. The comments I have received and people I have spoken to personally have been extremely supportive.

For those men in the Liminal Order, you guys have been the net for me and my wife’s feet to land on when we came crashing down the past few days. So from me and my wife, we can’t say thank you enough for all that you have done.

I leave you with this, all life is not by chance. Even that of the unborn.